Clerks
by SuperKamiGuruFTW
Summary: A Dick Figures fanfiction. Blue is a clerk at a local convenience store in New Jersey. On one particular Saturday morning, he gets called in on his day off. Once there, he must deal with multiple problems. Like dealing with customers that aren't so intelligent and his friend, Red, who is a clerk at the video store next door and is always bothering Blue's customers. Can Blue manage?
1. Blue

**Author's Note: Originally this was posted on January 1, but due to some unknown reason the story was taken down. But I decided to bring it back after one month of its original release date. Hopefully nothing will happen to this story this time. I think you've heard enough of me talking so without further delay here is the return of the Dick Figures version of Clerks.**

Chapter 1: Blue

The time is 6:20 and a dog is sleeping on a neatly made bed. A phone is sitting quietly atop a bundle of laundry. When it suddenly starts to ring. A closet door then swings open, and a half-clad figure falls out. As the phone continues to ring a hand falls upon the receiver, yanking it off the trash can and answers it. "Hello..." he said groggily.

"What?...No, I don't work today...I'm playing hockey at two. Why don't you call Red?...Because I'm fucking tired...I just closed last night...SIGH Jesus...What time are you going to come in?...Twelve...Be there be twelve?...Swear...Swear you'll be in by twelve and I'll do it...Twelve...Twelve or I walk." he said before he hangs up the phone. The figure slowly sits up and remains motionless. The dog stands up and wags its tail. The figure then pats the dog on its head. The Rumpled Figure the lays down on the bed revealing to be a stick figure named Blue. He then grabs the dog and wrestles him.

"Next time, I get the bed." Blue said before releasing the dog and sat up. "Shit." he said exhausted. He then went on to doing his daily routine of getting in the shower, getting out and grabbing a half-empty gallon of milk from the fridge and gulping down his breakfast before he grabs his keys from atop a VCR. He then goes to his car and backs out of the driveway and speeds down the street.

Blue's car pulls up, with a screech at a convenience store called the 'Quick Stop' he steps out of his car and lifts the metal shutter of the store to reveal the door. He opens it while grabbing two bundles of papers and throws them inside the store.

He enters a very dark room that's barely lit by the daylight. He then flicked the switch and suddenly, the lights flick on, revealing the glorious interior of the convenience store. A cat looks at Blue as he passes by. He opens the paper bundle with scissors. He slams the newspapers into the proper racks then he places a coffee filter in a metal pot, puts in Ground coffee, and the mix is shoved into place in the coffeemaker. He flicks the switch and the machine comes to life. He then notices that there's an empty newspaper rack with the heading 'Asbury Park Press'. Blue rubs his chin and stares, puzzled. Then it finally occurs to him that there's no newspapers. "Shit." he said as he went to the register and extracted a quarter.

Blue then went outside to newspaper machine and drops a quarter in the slot. He pulls the door down, pulls a stack of newspapers from the 'Asbury Park Press'  
vending machine. He struggles to hold them all in one hand as he lets the door slam shut. He turns to walk away, but stops when he heard the sound of the quarter dropping into the change slot. He then takes a step back to grabs the coin before heading inside. As he enters he drops the papers into the empty rack with a resounding flop and drops the quarter back into the register drawer.**  
**  
Blue then went outside and tried to jam his key into the window shutter lock. But it was stuck. "Shit!" he said kicking the shutter angrily as he discovers that the lock is gummed up with gum, preventing the Blue from putting in his key. He then opens the trunk to his car and he reaches inside, pulling out a folded white sheet. He then heads inside and grabs a can of shoe polish and dips his hands into the shoe polish and writes large letters on the sheet. After he was done he takes garbage can outside and stands on it and tucks a corner of the sheet under the awning. As soon as it was on he jumped out and read the banner 'I ASSURE YOU, WE'RE OPEN.' He then headed inside to shift the door sing from closed to open.

Blue then leans behind the counter, with his morning routine completed. He stares ahead, waiting for a customer. He then drops his head in his hands.

**Author's Note: Well thats how Blue starts his day working at the Quick Stop. Hope you enjoyed and I assure you that this story is here to stay this time.**


	2. Vilification

**Author's Note: I dont know what to do. I have several stories to do and several ideas for more of them. But I dont know which ones to do. So I might as well update this story because I enjoy writing for this.**

Chapter 2: Vilification

Blue is waiting on a customer buying coffee. The customer gets out his money and hands it to Blue. "Thanks. Have a good one." Blue said taking the money from the grey stick figure.

"Do you mind if I drink this here?" the guy asked.

"Sure. Go ahead." Blue said. The guy then leans on his briefcase and drinks his coffee when another stick figure walks in.

"Are you open?" he asked.

"Yeah." Blue replied.

"Pack of cigarettes." the customer asked. Blue then grabbed a box of cigarettes.

"Are you sure?" the guy asked.

"Am I sure?" the customer asked confused.

"Are you sure?" the guy asked.

"Am I sure about what?" the customer asked.

"Do you really want to buy those cigarettes?" the guy asked.

"Are you serious?" the customer asked.

"How long have you been smoking?" the guy asked lifting his briefcase onto the counter.

The customer then turns to Blue. "What is this, a poll?" he asked.

"Beats me." Blue replied.

"How long have you been a smoker?" the guy asked.

"I dont know since I was thirteen." the customer asked.

"I'd say you're about nineteen, twenty, am I right?" he guy asked as he opens his briefcase and extracted a sickly-looking object.

"What the hell is that?" the customer asked discusted.

"That's your lung. By this time, your lung looks like this." the guy said.

"You're shittin' me." the customer said.

"You think I'm shitting you? Here!" the guy said handing him something from the briefcase.

"What's this?" the customer asked.

"It's a trach ring. It's what they install in your throat when throat cancer takes your voice box. This one came out of a sixty-year-old man." the guy explained.

"Unnhh!" the customer dropped the ring.

But the guy then picked it up. "He smoked until the day he died. Used to put the cigarette in this thing and smoke it that way."

"Excuse me, but-"

"This is where you're heading. A cruddy lung, smoking through a hole in your throat. Do you really want that?" the guy asked.

"Well, if it's already too late-"

"It's never too late. Give those cigarettes back now." He said taking the cigarettes and giving them to Blue. "And buy some gum instead." he then grabs nearby pack gum. "Here. Chewlies Gum. Try this."

"It's not the same." the customer said.

"It's cheaper than cigarettes. And it certainly beats this." the guy said handing him a picture.

"Oh Jesus!" the customer said.

"It's a picture of a cancer-ridden lung. Keep it." the guy said.

The customer then turns to Blue. "I'll just take the gum."

"Fifty-five." Blue said taking the money.

"You've made a wise choice. Keep up the good work." the guy said to the customer leaving.

"Maybe you should take that coffee outside." Blue said to the guy.

"No, I think I'll drink it in here, thanks." the guy said.

"If you're going to drink it in here, I'd appreciate it if you'd not bother the customers." Blue said.

"Okay. I'm sorry about that." the guy appologized.

Another stick figure enters the store and comes up to the counter. "Pack of cigarettes." he said before looking at the model. "What's that?"

"This? How long have you been smoking?" the guy asked.

**Author's Note: Well you learn something everyday about cigarettes. Tune in next time.**


	3. Lord Tourettes and Raccoon

**Author's Note: Well since it's late to post this for Valentines day I figured I release this chapter now. I'm mean come on better late then never. This chapter shows you what a real relationship is like. Sort of.**

Chapter 3: Lord Tourettes and Raccoon

Outside the store a green stick figure named Lord Tourettes and a raccoon named...Raccoon walk over to the wall. Lord Tourettes then throws down with a makeshift slam dance, spinning his arm and fake-hitting Raccoon.

"We need some** TITS AND ASS! **YEAH!" LR said. While Raccoon lights a smoke. "I feel good today, Raccoon. We're gonna make some money! And then you know what we're going to do? We're going to go to that party and get some **PUSSY**! I'm gonna **FUCK THIS BITCH**,** THAT BITCH** I'll** FUCK **anything that moves!" Raccoon then points to someone.

"What you looking at?! I'll kick your **FUCKING ASS**!" he shouted at that guy. "Doesn't that **MOTHERFUCKER** still owe me ten bucks?" he asked.

Raccoon just nods his head.

"Tonight, you and me are going off that **FUCKER'S** head, and take out his **FUCKING** soul! Remind me if he tries to buy something from us, to cut it with leafs and twigs...or in the **MOTHERFUCKER'S **bag!"

Then some girls walk by making LR smile. "Wa sup **SLUTS**?" he said. "Damn Raccoon! You one rude **MOTHERFUCKER**! But you're cute as hell." he said slowly dropping to his knees. "I wanna go down on you, and suckle you. And then, I wanna line up three more guys, and make like a circus seal."

Lord Tourettes then makes blow job faces down an imaginary line of guys, looking like a performing seal. He throws a little humming sound behind each nod. He then hops up quickly.

"Ewwww! You **FUCKING FAGGOT**! I **FUCKING** hate guys! I LOVE WOMEN! Neh." he said but stopped when a guy walks up to them.

"You selling?" he asked.

Meanwhile

A small crowd gathered around the stick figure as he orates. It sort of become something of a rally.

"You're spending what? Twenty, thirty dollars a week on cigarettes." the guy with the brief case said.

"Forty."

"Fifty-three."

"Fifty-three dollars. Would you pay someone that much money every week to kill you? Because that's what you're doing now, by paying for the so-called privilege to smoke!" the man said.

"Hey we all gotta go sometime."

"It's that kind of mentality that allows this cancer-producing industry to thrive. Of course we're all going to die someday, but do we have to pay for it? Do we have to  
actually throw hard-earned dollars on a counter and say, 'Please, please, Mister Merchant of Death, sir; please sell me something that will give me bad breath, stink up my clothes, and fry my lungs.'" he explained.

"It's not that easy to quit."

"Of course its not; not when you have people like this mindless cretin so happy and willing to sell you nails for your coffin!" the man said pointing at Blue.

"Hey, now wait a sec-"

"Now he's going to launch into his rap about how he's just doing his job; following orders. Friends, let me tell you about another bunch of hate mongers that were just following orders: they were called Nazis, and they practically wiped a nation of people from the Earth just like cigarettes are doing now!" the man explained.

"I think you'd better leave now." Blue asked.

"You want me to leave? Why? Because somebody is telling it like it is? Somebody's giving these fine people a wake-up call?!" the man asked.

"You're loitering in here, and causing a disturbance." Blue explained.

"You're the disturbance, pal! And here." he slams a dollar on the counter. "I'm buying some...what's this?...Chewlie's Gum. There. I'm no longer loitering. I'm a customer, a customer engaged in a discussion with other customers." the man explained.

"Yeah, now shut up so he can speak!"

"Oh, he's scared now! He sees the threat we present! He smells the changes coming, and the loss of sales when the nonsmokers finally demand satisfaction. We demand the right to breathe cleaner air!" the man leading the mob said.

"Yeah!"

"We'd rather chew our gum than embrace slow death! Let's abolish this heinous practice of sucking poison, and if it means ruffling the feathers of a convenience store  
idiot, then so be it!" the leader said.

"That's it, everybody out." Blue said.

"We're not moving! We have a right, a constitutional right, to assemble and be heard!" the man said.

"Yeah, but not in here." Blue said.

"What better place than this? To stamp it out, you gotta start at the source!" the man said.

"Like I'm responsible for all the smokers!" Blue said to the crowd.

"The ones in this town, yes! You encourage their growth, their habit. You're the source in this area, and we're going to shut you down for good! For good, cancer-merchant!" he said.

"Cancer merchant! Cancer merchant! Cancer merchant!" The crowd chat and jeered in Blue's face as they throwed cigarettes at him, pelting him in the face.

But when things seemed bad for Blue, suddenly, a loud blast is heard, and white powder explodes over the crowd. Everyone turned to face who did that. It was a girl with a very short skirt named Sarah Conners standing in one of the freezer cases, holding a fire extinguisher.

"Who's leading this mob?" Sarah ordered.

One of the people in the crowd pointed at the guy carrying his briefcase surreptitiously towards the door. "That guy."

"Freeze." she shouted jumping off the freezer case, training the nozzle of the extinguisher on the man with the briefcase. "Let's see some credentials."

The man reached into his briefcase, but Sarah pokes the extinguisher nozzle at him, warningly. "Slowly."

He then pulls out a business card and hands it to her. She then reads it. "You're a Chewlie's Gum representative?" she asked. He nodded. "And you're stirring up all this anti-smoking sentiment to...what?...sell more gum?" He nodded again. "Get out of here." She blasts him with more chemical as the man runs out the store. She then turned her attention to the crowd.

"And you people! Don't you have jobs to go to? Get out of here and go commute." Sarah said.

Then one by one the people in the crowd walk out of the store offering apologetic glances while Blue tries to regain his composure. Sarah just watched as the crowd disperse, disgusted.

"You oughta be ashamed of yourselves. Easily led automatons. Try thinking for yourself before you pelt and innocent man with cigarettes."

The last of the crowd exits. While one man puts a dollar on the counter. "Pack of cigarettes." he said.

That just made Blue pissed off as he slammed the cigarettes on the counter while taking the dollar quickly. Blue then sat down on the floor, with his head in his folded arms. Sarah sets the fire extinguisher down then sits next to Blue.

"Wow it looked like Tiananmen Square in here for a second." Sarah said. But Blue didnt responded to that. "Thank you, Sarah, you saved me from an extremely ugly mob scene." Blue remained silent. "Okay, champ. What's wrong?"

Blue lifted his head up and looked at her with a disgusted look. "All right, stupid question. But don't you think you're taking this a bit too hard?" Sarah asked.

"Too hard?! I don't have enough indignities in my life-people start throwing cigarettes at me!" Blue told her.

"At least they weren't lit." Sarah said telling him the upside.

"I hate this fucking place." Blue said.

"Then quit. You should be going to school anyway." Sarah said.

"Please, Veronica. Last thing I need is a lecture at this point." Blue said.

"All I'm saying is that if you're unhappy you should leave. Sarah told him.

"I'm not even supposed to be here today!" Blue said.

"I know. I stopped by your house and your mom said you left at like six or something." Sarah said.

"The guy got sick and couldn't come in." Blue said.

"Don't you have a hockey game at two?" Sarah asked.

"Yes! And I'm going to play like shit because I didn't get a good night's sleep!" Blue replied.

"Why did you agree to come in then?" Sarah asked.

"I'm only here until twelve, then I'm gone. The boss is coming in." Blue explained.

"Why don't you open the shutters and get some sunlight in here?" Sarah asked.

"Somebody jammed the locks with gum." Blue said.

"You're kidding." Sarah said surprised.

"Bunch of savages in this town." Blue told her.

Later

A note is on the counter next to a small pile of money says: 'PLEASE LEAVE MONEY ON THE COUNTER. TAKE CHANGE WHEN APPLICABLE. BE HONEST.'

While that was up there Blue and Sarah are slumped on the floor, behind the counter. Sarah was holding Blue in her arms, his head on her chest and change is heard hitting the counter.

"Thanks." Blue said to the guy who did that. They then hear the door opening and closing as the customer leaves.

"How much money did you leave up there?" Sarah asked.

"Like three dollars in mixed change and a couple of singles. People only get the paper of coffee this time of morning." Blue explained.

"You're trusting." Sarah told him.

"Why do you say that?" Blue asked.

"How do you know they're taking the right amount of change? Or even paying for what they take?" Sarah asked.

"Theoretically, people see money on the counter and nobody around, they think they're being watched." Blue explained.

"Honesty through paranoia. Why do you smell like shoe polish?" Sarah asked.

"I had to use shoe polish to make that sign. The smell won't come off." Blue replied.

"Do you think anyone can see us down here?" Sarah asked.

"Why? You wanna have sex or something?" Blue asked.

"Ooh! Can we?!" Sarah asked.

"Really?" Blue asked excited.

"I was kidding." Sarah told him.

"Yeah, right. You can't get enough of me." Blue said.

"Typically male point of view." Sarah said.

"How do you figure?" Blue asked.

"You show some bedroom proficiency, and you think you're gods. What about what we do for you?" Sarah asked.

"Women? Women, as lovers, are all basically the same. They just have to be there." Blue said.

"Be there?" Sarah asked confused.

"Making a male climax is not all that challenging: insert somewhere close and preferably moist, thrust, repeat." Blue explained.

"How flattering." Sarah said.

"Now, making a woman cum...there lies a challenge." Blue said.

"Oh, you think so?" Sarah asked.

"A girl makes a guy cum, its standard. A guy makes a girl cum, it's talent." Blue said.

"And I actually date you?" Sarah asked.

"Something wrong?" Blue asked.

"I'm insulted. Believe me, Don Juan, it takes more than that to get a guy off. Just 'being there' as you put it is not enough." Sarah said.

"I touched a nerve." Blue said.

"I'm astonished to hear you trivialize my role in our sex life." Sarah told him.

"It wasn't directed at you. I was making a broad generalization." Blue said.

"You were making a generalization about broads!" Sarah said.

"These are my opinions based on my experiences with the few women who were good enough to sleep with me." Blue explained.

"How many?" Sarah said now interested.

"How many what?" Blue asked confused.

"How many girls have you slept with?" Sarah asked.

"How many different girls? Didn't we already have this discussion once?" Blue said annoyed.

"We might have. I don't remember. How many?" Sarah asked.

"Including you?" Blue said.

"It better be up to and including me." Sarah said.

"...Twelve." Blue replied.

"You've slept with twelve different girls?" Sarah said.

"Including you, yes." Blue told her. Sarah then slapped him. "Hey what the hell was that for?"

"You're a pig." Sarah told him.

"Why'd you hit me?" Blue asked.

"Do you know how many different men I've had sex with?" Sarah asked him.

"Do I get to hit you after you tell me?" Blue asked.

"Three." Sarah replied.

"Three?" Blue said shocked.

"Three including you." Sarah said.

"You've only had sex with three different people?" Blue asked.

"I'm not the pig you are." Sarah said.

"Who?" Blue asked.

"You!" Sarah replied.

"No, who were the three, besides me?" Blue asked.

"John Franson and Rob Stanslyk." Sarah replied.

"Wow. That's great. That's something to be proud of." Blue told her with true admiration.

"I am. And that's why you should feel like a pig. You men make me sick. You'll sleep with anything that says yes." Sarah said disgusted.

"Animal, vegetable, or mineral." Blue told her.

"Vegetable meaning paraplegic." Sarah said.

"They put up the least amount of struggle." Blue said.

"After dropping a bombshell like that, you owe me. Big." Sarah told him.

"All right. Name it." Blue said.

"I want you to come with me on Monday." Sarah said.

"Where?" Blue asked.

"To school. There's a seminar about getting back into a scholastic program after a lapse in enrollment." Sarah explained.

"Can't we ever have a discussion without that coming up?" Blue said not interested.

"It's important to me, Blue. You have so much potential that just goes to waste in this pit. I wish you'd go back to school." Sarah said.

"Jesus, would you stop? You make my head hurt when you talk about this." Blue said.

Sarah then got up, letting Blue's head hit the floor. "Shit! Why are we getting up?" he asked.

"Unlike you, I have a class in forty-five minutes." Sarah replied.

She is about to leave when she sees a familiar face at the counter.

"Willam!"

"Oh hey Sarah! How are you? You work here now?" he asked.

"No, I'm just visiting my man." she said holding on to Blue. "Blue, this is Willam Black." she said to Blue before turning to William. "This is Blue, my boyfriend."

"How are you? Just the soda?" Blue said greeting him.

"And a pack of cigarettes." he replied before turning to Sarah. "Are you still going to Seton Hall?"

"No, I transferred into Monmouth this year. I was tired of missing him." she said squeezing Blue's arm.

"Do you still talk to Sylvan?" he asked.

"I just talked to her on Monday. We still hang out on weekends." she replied.

"That's cool. Well-you two lovebirds take it easy, all right?"" he told them leaving

"I will. Take it easy." Sarah said.

"Bye."

"Bye" Sarah then turned to face Blue. "That was Snowball."

"Why do you call him that?" Blue asked.

"Sylvan made it up. It's a blow job thing." Sarah replied..

"What do you mean?" Blue asked.

"After he gets a blow job, he likes to have the cum spit back into his mouth while kissing. It's called snowballing." Sarah explained.

"He requested this?" Blue asked.

"He gets off on it." Sarah said.

"Sylvan can be talked into anything." Blue told her.

"Why do you say that?" Sarah asked.

"Like you said-she snowballed him." Blue said.

"Sylvan? No, I snowballed him." Sarah told him.

"Yeah, right." Blue said not believing her.

"I'm serious..."

There was a moment of silence as Blue tried to take this all in. "You sucked that guy's dick?"

"Yeah. How do you think I know he liked-"

"But...but you said you only had sex with three guys! You never mentioned him!" Blue said panicking

"That's because I never had sex with him!" Sarah said.

"You sucked his dick!" Blue told her.

"We went out a few times. We didn't have sex, but we fooled around." Sarah explained.

"Oh my God! Why did you tell me you only slept with three guys?" Blue said having a panic attack.

"Because I did only sleep with three guys! That doesn't mean I didn't just go with people." Sarah said.

"Oh my God I feel so nauseous-"

"I'm sorry, Blue. I thought you understood." Sarah said.

"I did understand! I understand that you slept with three different guys, and that's all you said." Blue said as he started to yell.

"Please calm down." Sarah said trying to calm him down.

"How many?" Blue asked.

"Blue-"

"How many dicks have you sucked?!" Blue asked.

"Let it go-"

"HOW MANY?" Blue shouted.

"ALL RIGHT! SHUT UP A SECOND AND I'LL TELL YOU! Jesus! I didn't freak like this when you told me how many girls you fucked." Sarah said.

"This is different. This is important. How many?!" Blue said.

She then began to counts silently. As Blue waits on a customer in the interim. Sarah stops counting.

"Well?" Blue asked.

"Something like thirty-six." Sarah said mumbling.

"WHAT? SOMETHING LIKE THIRTY-SIX?" Blue shouted.

"Lower your voice!" Sarah told him getting mad.

"What the hell is that anyway, 'something like thirty-six?' Does that include me?" Blue asked.

"Um...Thirty-seven."

"I'M THIRTY-SEVEN?" Blue shouted.

Sarah then started to walk out the building. "I'm going to class." she told him.

Blue then turns to a customer. "Thirty-seven?! My girlfriend sucked thirty-seven dicks!"

"In a row?" the customer asked.

Blue then chases Sarah down and grabs her by the door. "Hey! Where are you going?!"

"Hey listen, jerk! Until today you never even knew how many guys I'd slept with, because you never even asked. And then you act all nonchalant about fucking twelve different girls. Well, I never had sex with twelve different guys!" Sarah shouted.

"No, but you sucked enough dick!" Blue told her.

"Yeah, I went down on a few guys-"

"A few?" Blue asked.

"...And one of those guys was you! The last one, I might add, which-if you're too stupid to comprehend means that I've been faithful to you since we met! All the other guys I went with before I met you, so, if you want to have a complex about it, go ahead! But don't look at me like I'm the town whore, because you were plenty busy yourself, before you met me!" Sarah explained.

"Well...why did you have to suck their dicks? Why didn't you just sleep with them, like any decent person?!" Blue asked more rationally.

"Because going down isn't a big deal! I used to like a guy, we'd make out, and sooner or later I'd go down on him. But I only had sex with the guys I loved." Sarah said.

"I feel sick." Blue said feeling nauseous.

Sarah then held on to him. "I love you. Don't feel sick." she said.

"Every time I kiss you now I'm going to taste thirty-six other guys." Blue told her.

Sarah got mad at that remark and let's go of him. "I'm going to school. Maybe later you'll be a bit more rational."

"Thirty-seven. I just can't-"

"Goodbye, Blue." Sarah said walking out of the store. Blue was still standing in there for a moment until he swings the door open and yells.

"Hey try not to suck any more dicks on your way through the parking lot!" Blue said insulting her.

One man who was standing outside then walked towards Sarah's direction.

"HEY! HEY, YOU! GET BACK HERE!"

**Author's Note: Well that's the chapter and I hope you look forward to when I introduce another character next chapter.**


End file.
